Criticult.Com

God help me, it's that time again.

Every four years everyone and their dog pretends to be intensely interested in track and field, swimming and gymnastics for a few weeks when the Summer Olympics come around again. Every morning I go to work to find that everyone around me has suddenly become an expert on the balance bar, diving, throwing the javelin and anything else Bob Costas said last night that they can remember well enough to repeat.

And every morning - without fail - someone comes up to me, breathless, wide eyed and gushing:

"Did you see the Olympics last night?"

Never mind that my answer to that question every morning is "no". People like to make small talk at the office and as such they rarely think about what they're saying before they say it. Every Monday people ask me how my weekend was, even though we both know they don't really care, and if I were to say "It was terrible, my car was repossessed" they're not going to sit there and listen to my whole story and offer me a ride to work every day.

I have nothing against the Olympics. If there's one thing the world needs more of it is sanctioned events where all the nations of the world and their citizens can enjoy fellowship regardless of race, color, politics or nationality. It brings people together. I get it and I am all in favor of it, even if it means enjoying the proceedings with a hint of Fascism in the air.

It's just that I am endlessly fascinated by the Human Condition, as in what makes us do what we do. I take pride in the accomplishments of our athletes and certainly wish them all the best, but I have absolutely no interest in any of the sports played at the Olympics, and chances are neither do you. The difference is I have no intention of pretending I'm interested in any of it just because its on every night.

I guess that if you let it be, the following is a morbid contrast: The way athletes of all stripes put a thousand times more dedication into what they do than 99 percent of the rest of us will ever put into anything, while we just sprawl on the couch gawking, and then show up to work Monday talking like we're the superstar just because we got to see it.

Sure, I am being cynical but this isn't really about the Olympics, it's about people. I just find it interesting how most of us will do absolutely anything to bring something meaningful into our lives - except when it means doing it ourselves. I'm not saying anybody can run out and become an Olympian or anything else in particular, I'm just saying that I observe every day people who spend their whole lives doing pretty much nothing with their free time but you can tell they really want something great to happen to them.

Everyone has dreams and hopes and things they've always wanted to do with their lives and they aren't always things we deserve or are likely to achieve. But of course the purpose of having goals and dreams has more to do with the steps you take to get there than anything else. Dedicating yourself to a challenge is all about building yourself as an individual; hard work builds character and makes you a more interesting person.

Which explains why most of the people I know are so boring. Not bad people by any means, just boring. Did I watch the Olympics last night? No, and here's a question for you. If you woke up tomorrow and there were no television, what the hell would you do with the rest of your life?

Hey, I go through this every time the Olympics come around. I have to repeatedly explain to the same boring people that no, I am not nor have I ever been interested in men's gymnastics and I am not going to fake it now just so we'll have something to talk about around the water cooler.

Let's face it - that's the true distillation of my diatribe.

If there were suddenly no television, most people would assume they did not have anything to do or anything to discuss - except maybe the irony of being forced to talk about something other than television because there is no television. There's nothing wrong with entertainment, God knows we all need it. But it is depressing how many of us forfeit out own lives to sit around in a dreary fishbowl, watching someone else live theirs. For far too many people, life is like being inside an ant farm, smug in the assumption that everything outside is the entertainment.

Well my friend, the joke's on you.

And in my mind with this Olympics the joke is on all of us. The Chinese fooled us all. They used a lot of forced labor to ready the city for the games, and god knows where the buried all the homeless people. They used machines and environmental trickery to fake two weeks of sunny days in one of the most pollutes cities on earth. They rendered the Opening Ceremonies partially in CGI. The same night had a pretty girl lip synch the high point of the evening while the ugly chick sang behind the curtain.

And they replaced their women's gymnastics team with cyborgs all designed to look like ten year old girls. (So where was Sarah Connor in all this?) Maybe this is all why the Olympic Mascot is some sort of friendly...devil..thingy...in hell.

But don't listen to me. Seriously. I am just getting this off my chest same as I will for the Winter Games in two years. I just like to bitch about things. It is both my gift, and my curse.

Maybe your hobby is rotting on the couch in front of the television and mine is rotting in front of my computer excoriating people who spend their time on the couch rotting in front of the television.

Fair enough. Just call this column How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Box.

Just remember though - two weeks from now when the only fucking thing you can remember about the whole Olympiad is something about the Kindergarten Gymnastics Squad and that dude what's-his-name the swimmer who won, like, 800 medals or something...don't say I didn't already call you out.