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Am I the only one who hears Morgan Freeman's voice everywhere now? I don't mean in the form of a paranoid delusion - although that's entirely possible since like most people I am inherently dissatisfied with my life but have no plan whatsoever to resolve this.
No, I mean that every time I turn on the television, I hear Morgan Freeman's soothing, avuncular voice assuring me that everything is going to be just fine, provided I just buy something because he is telling me to. I can't say I ever have bought anything because Morgan Freeman told me to, but I can tell you that if I were going to buy something based entirely on the effect of someone's hypnotic vocalizations it would probably be Morgan Freeman.
Think about it for a moment. The world of commercial voice overs was once the domain of struggling actors who just needed a paycheck in between gigs because studios only wanted big names headlining movies. The problem is, why would I want to buy something from an anonymous voice that is unfamiliar to me? How many times have you thought:
"I would love to lease a Lexus for $600 a month, go to the Home Depot and spend five thousand dollars on my house or drink a gallon of orange juice in the middle of the night but I just don't trust the strange person who is telling me to do this."
There was a time many years ago when you could trust your television. The Magic Box would never lie to you - anything it told you to do or think or buy was a lock and you could bet that you'd never regret your decision. But these are complex times and I don't know about you but I can no longer trust the anonymity of the average television voice over person to point me to the right brand of weed killer.
Sure, I know it will be deadly to weeds. But will it be deadly enough? I just...don't...know. No one can.
Thankfully, high powered Hollywood A, B and C list talent has begun to squeeze the no-talent hacks of the acting world out of the voice over business. Soon the day will come when Oscar winning actors are waiting tables in Los Angeles, and I will never have to see or hear another scumbag out of work actor again!
But I digress.
But is this really better? With big names crowding the Celebrity Voice Over market these days, who among them can you trust? Between Tom Selleck, Kiefer Sutherland, Sam Waterston and Christian Slater, how can I be sure I am getting the best possible paid endorsement of a random product by a famous person I have never met that is available?
In other words, now that the celebrities have replaced the amateurs, who is going to replace the amateur celebrities? Who is the One Celebrity Voice Over Voice I can trust above all others? Which one of these disembodied stars whom do not know can I trust the most?
James Earl Jones? Ah, you'd think you could believe the booming baritone that comes out of that roly-poly bear of a man and you could - if he weren't responsible for millions of people crying out in terror and suddenly being silenced.
Excuse me for not wanting to buy anything from a war criminal.
Gene Hackman? No, I saw Crimson Tide. Nobody who tried to kill Denzel Washington and blow up the world is getting my money.
And then there's Morgan Freeman. He was on the Electric Company! He's the Compassionate Black Man in every movie who shows the lead character the value of believing in yourself, not giving up, seeing the goodness in others or builds you a high tech armor plated urban assault vehicle!
Even when he's the villain he's not all that bad. Remember Hard Rain? Oh, you don't. Well, trust me, he starts out bad but deep down inside he's still lovable old Morgan Freeman. He'd never do anything wrong. He'd never hurt anybody.
I trust him, and so do you. And this is why he's the king of Celebrity Voice Overs. But I reCently realized something as I listened to his work on those Visa Olympic ads - you know the ones, with the heartwarming narratives, magical background scores and sepia toned CGI super slo-mo? Yes, you've seen them. And maybe you realized the same thing I did when I saw them.
If Morgan Freeman Didn't Say it I Don't Believe it.
That's right. Morgan Freeman is some sort of lovable cross between Walter Cronkite and Sidney Poitier without the massive chip on his shoulder. He should anchor all three major newscasts. When the President has bad news he should send Morgan Freeman out in his place to tell us the Dow has dropped 8,000 points, gasoline is $6 a gallon and a comet the size of Texas is about to strike the earth, destroying all life as we know it.
People would just shrug and say: "Aw, shucks. He's such a nice guy. I don't mind."
Maybe Bin Laden could have him tape some spots. God knows Osama could use the PR boost and while I'm as patriotic as the next guy, if Morgan Freeman said 'Death To America', I just might have to walk outside and kill someone.
And I bet they wouldn't object when I told him why he must die.
"Aw, shucks. He's such a nice guy. I don't mind. Just...not in the face."
Tell me the sky is blue, roses are red or water is wet. If you're not Morgan Freeman then I am sorry but you're just plain full of shit. I don't believe you. You're a liar; in fact you're worse than a liar:
You're a damn dirty liar.
So here's what I want you to do. I want you to run to the window right now. Go on, go to the window but wait till you've finished reading this so you know what to do. I want you to fling open the window, lean out and scream as loud as you can:
Sure, I know it will be deadly to weeds. But will it be deadly enough? I just...don't...know. No one can.
Thankfully, high powered Hollywood A, B and C list talent has begun to squeeze the no-talent hacks of the acting world out of the voice over business. Soon the day will come when Oscar winning actors are waiting tables in Los Angeles, and I will never have to see or hear another scumbag out of work actor again!
But I digress.
But is this really better? With big names crowding the Celebrity Voice Over market these days, who among them can you trust? Between Tom Selleck, Kiefer Sutherland, Sam Waterston and Christian Slater, how can I be sure I am getting the best possible paid endorsement of a random product by a famous person I have never met that is available?
In other words, now that the celebrities have replaced the amateurs, who is going to replace the amateur celebrities? Who is the One Celebrity Voice Over Voice I can trust above all others? Which one of these disembodied stars whom do not know can I trust the most?
James Earl Jones? Ah, you'd think you could believe the booming baritone that comes out of that roly-poly bear of a man and you could - if he weren't responsible for millions of people crying out in terror and suddenly being silenced.
Excuse me for not wanting to buy anything from a war criminal.
Gene Hackman? No, I saw Crimson Tide. Nobody who tried to kill Denzel Washington and blow up the world is getting my money.And then there's Morgan Freeman. He was on the Electric Company! He's the Compassionate Black Man in every movie who shows the lead character the value of believing in yourself, not giving up, seeing the goodness in others or builds you a high tech armor plated urban assault vehicle!
Even when he's the villain he's not all that bad. Remember Hard Rain? Oh, you don't. Well, trust me, he starts out bad but deep down inside he's still lovable old Morgan Freeman. He'd never do anything wrong. He'd never hurt anybody.
I trust him, and so do you. And this is why he's the king of Celebrity Voice Overs. But I reCently realized something as I listened to his work on those Visa Olympic ads - you know the ones, with the heartwarming narratives, magical background scores and sepia toned CGI super slo-mo? Yes, you've seen them. And maybe you realized the same thing I did when I saw them.
If Morgan Freeman Didn't Say it I Don't Believe it.
That's right. Morgan Freeman is some sort of lovable cross between Walter Cronkite and Sidney Poitier without the massive chip on his shoulder. He should anchor all three major newscasts. When the President has bad news he should send Morgan Freeman out in his place to tell us the Dow has dropped 8,000 points, gasoline is $6 a gallon and a comet the size of Texas is about to strike the earth, destroying all life as we know it.
People would just shrug and say: "Aw, shucks. He's such a nice guy. I don't mind."
Maybe Bin Laden could have him tape some spots. God knows Osama could use the PR boost and while I'm as patriotic as the next guy, if Morgan Freeman said 'Death To America', I just might have to walk outside and kill someone.
And I bet they wouldn't object when I told him why he must die.
"Aw, shucks. He's such a nice guy. I don't mind. Just...not in the face."
Tell me the sky is blue, roses are red or water is wet. If you're not Morgan Freeman then I am sorry but you're just plain full of shit. I don't believe you. You're a liar; in fact you're worse than a liar:
You're a damn dirty liar.
So here's what I want you to do. I want you to run to the window right now. Go on, go to the window but wait till you've finished reading this so you know what to do. I want you to fling open the window, lean out and scream as loud as you can:
"IF YOU'RE NOT MORGAN FREEMAN YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT. AND ADDITIONALLY, I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANY MORE."
Go on, I'll wait.
See? Didn't that feel better? And when your neighbor, or the cops, or your neighbor the cop comes to your door ready to kick your ass just show them this. In no time, you'll be sitting around drinking mouthwash together, having a grand old time. And why?
Because Morgan Freeman said so.
See? Didn't that feel better? And when your neighbor, or the cops, or your neighbor the cop comes to your door ready to kick your ass just show them this. In no time, you'll be sitting around drinking mouthwash together, having a grand old time. And why?
Because Morgan Freeman said so.
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