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I was hoping last night that I could finally go out to a restaurant with a group of friends without one of the girls at the table having to bring up the fact that she used to be a waitress. You know what I am talking about? Say, the bill comes and you try to leave a tip and one of the girls snorts at you and says:
"Is that all you're going to leave for a tip? You know, I used to be a waitress and I would be insulted if...blah blah blah blah..."
What, twenty percent isn't enough for just bringing me my food? I'll go get it myself if that'll make you feel better. My Dad always tries to leave five percent, but you don't have to have physically waited tables before to know that leaving a five percent tip is really poor form.
That's just common fucking sense. Twenty percent is the minimum and while fifteen is a little rude, it's the least you should leave if you want to avoid getting someone's pubic hair added to your food next time you drop in for dinner.
I don't remember the context of the remark last night but as soon as she started: "Blah blah blah blah, as a former waitress I think that..."
I stopped her. "Ok are you really gonna be that girl who whips out the whole 'you know I used to be a waitress' thing at a restaurant? I mean, that's great and all but big deal? You want a cookie or something?"
I know it sounds harsh but the tone of my voice was only gently mocking. She actually got it and had a good laugh over it.
But seriously, what is it with girls who always have to bust that one out? Not to sound misogynistic but it's almost always the girls and it's almost always 'waitress' or 'nurse'. Oh Christ, if I have to hear one more girl whip out the whole 'I used to be a nurse' thing, as if that makes her opinion on your twisted ankle somehow more valid.
There's a girl at my office who was a nurse for one year and as a result thinks she's Trapper Fucking John - every time someone has a headache she's screeching out shrill, unsolicited advice like a life-size Kathy Griffin Pez dispenser.
Being a nurse is a perfectly noble profession and I have plenty of respect for it; I know more than a few people - male and female - who've burned themselves out in it faster than Ryan Leaf burned out on football. However - and I hate to be the one to break this to you - but being a nurse is not the same as being a doctor so I don't really need your opinion on my paper cut any more than I do George Clooney's.
He once pretended to be a doctor too, you know. Just hand me the Neosporin and shut up.
Getting back to the waitress thing, though...
I am fairly certain that as an unscientific statistic that fully eight of ten randomly selected people right off the street have waited tables before, so there's really no need to wear your former food service duty like a red badge of courage. Everyone knows how hard it is to wait tables; big fucking deal? It isn't like you fought at Iwo Jima or walked on the moon, or made the Patriots 18-1 or something.
And why is it always the girls who have to whip it out?
"I used to be a waitress you know, so you really shouldn't split up your order like that."
First of all, who asked you? Second, I don't give a shit whether or not you waited tables in college; so did everyone else. The difference is that every man I've ever known who's ever waited tables is either still at it or would like to just forget about it, thank you very much. Meanwhile half the former waitresses I've ever known are still trying to make everyone else feel guilty about it.
Sorry but there's nothing particularly exceptional about having held down a menial job that everyone and their dog has done. You're never going to hear me start a sentence with:
"You know, I used to work at Burger King, so believe me, I know what I am talking about."
Yeah, I've worked at almost every fast food joint in existence south of Colorado Springs and there are only two discernible benefits to it:
- I know that even at eight dollars an hour it's not hard to remember that I asked for pickles on this you little shit, so fix it.
- And bring the pickles up here, don't take it back to the grill so you and your friends can spit on it. That's right, I was born at night, but it wasn't last night kid.
It doesn't make me Tom Freaking Brokaw.
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