Criticult.Com

You've already heard about this, right?


I suppose this makes me a lousy blogger since I am not posting on this ten minutes after the story broke, but you know what? Sue me. I have a life and this ain't it. Unlike a lot of people on the internet, I do see the sun every day.

In any case, I find the entire situation hilarious.

If of course by 'hilarious' we mean yet one more sign that nobody can say 'boo' any more without some hyper-sensitive candy-ass getting whipped up into a frenzy and turning it into some sort of socio-political battle cry.

I don't feel like posting the link to the video because you've no doubt already seen it and heard about it 1000 times by now. But if you're like me when you saw it you said:

"That's it?"

In fact if you're not listening carefully you'll completely miss the word 'faggot', and to be honest with you, I thought the OTHER guy was Shia LaBeouf. It's literally just some sort of house party where a bunch of people are plastered out of their minds and Shia and his pal are having a drunken slap fight.

I don't know about the slapping part but as far as the whole drunken horsing around bit, this is literally nothing that just about every red blooded American male who's ever been to college has done no fewer than about...oh...500 times. I remember being at a party with TylerDFC during Super Bowl XXXIV where after a series of keg stands someone decided it would be a terrific idea to have a WWF match in the living room of a 700 square foot apartment.

I am a little fuzzy on this but I am pretty sure I incorrectly executed the People's Elbow because I couldn't bend my arm for a week. I am also pretty sure since a bunch of guys were drunk, watching football, eating red meat and hitting each other with steel chairs at some point the words 'faggot', 'pussy' and 'bitch' were used.

People, this is what men say to one another when they're drunk and sopping over with beer, testosterone and tryptophan. I just don't see the big deal.

Look, I know that Shia is the 'It' boy in Hollywood right now, as well as Steve Spielberg's little darling (sorry River Phoenix, I guess you shouldn't have...you know...died.) and the heir apparent to the Jimmy Stewart/Tom Hanks/Harrison Ford actor-anyone-can-love mantle. A guy like that can't afford to be heard using the word 'faggot' any more than Miley Cyrus can afford to be photographed in her underwear.

However, it amuses me when a public figure is caught saying something off color on camera and the public goes into an uproar of finger pointing recrimination and self righteous stone throwing. It's disingenuous at best, and utterly hypocritical at worst. It's like someone once said regarding masturbation:

There are two kinds of people, those who do it and those who lie and say they don't.

Yes everyone jumps on celebrities when they get caught in the act but come on! No really, COME ON! You don't think if everything every one of us ever did or said was on You Tube any of us would ever step outside the house again? Much less point an accusing finger at someone like Shia LaBeouf?

Maybe it should be that way. Just like they say, if we all had guns we'd be more polite to each other - well if we all had video of each other picking at zits in high school we would be too. Imagine if you could log on to You Tube at any time, type in anyone's name and see every embarrassing thing they ever did. Such as:

• Bob in Kansas whacking off to that Farah Fawcett poster as a pimple faced 13 year old back in 1980.
• Sarah at a UCLA sorority party in 2002 making out with another girl.
• Your next door neighbor dropping the n-bomb on a black motorist who cut him off in traffic, thinking nobody could hear him?
• Or, yourself taking a shit.

Or why limit it to the anonymous? Suppose at any time you could see:

• George Dubya Bush - standard bearer of Christian propriety and conservative values - picking his nose, calling someone an asshole behind their back or flipping off the camera.
• Pamela Anderson working Tommy Lee's Donkey Kong in a way that makes Jenna Jameson look like an amateur.
• An owl-eyed Ben Affleck literally molesting a reporter during a television interview.
• Shannen Doherty basically cussing like a longshoreman.

Oh, wait. You CAN, because all of these things actually happened! Yes, I hate to burst your bubble but celebrities are not only just like you, you're just like them! Maybe you can't act, sing, catch a football or dance without breaking your ankles but there are at least a few things 99 percent of us have in common, famous or not:

1. We have all used dirty language at one point or another.
2. We've all been drunk and then done or said stupid things.
3. We've all expressed prejudice toward something or someone.
4. Lying, cheating and stealing: If you can read this you're guilty of at least two of them at some point in your life.

Yes, I know, there's the one person in ten million who really has never taken a drink or had anything harder than morning breath come out of their mouth all their lives, but you know as well as I do these people are about as rare as a three dollar bill so yeah, just save it.

Before you point the finger at your favorite celebrity for using dirty language, expressing a social stereotype, drinking too much and making an ass of themselves or looking like shit on a Sunday morning remember something:

Whatever it is, you've probably done it too, to one degree or another. It may not make the papers but if it did, I'll bet you wouldn't be so quick to pile on every time someone else got caught with their pants down.

Besides - does any of it really matter? So Shia got drunk in private and called someone a 'faggot'. What are you going to do, eat your copy of Disturbia? So, Tom Cruise is a nut-bar. Top Gun still rules. Mel Gibson clearly has some issues but I am still down with Mad Max and Lethal Weapon. So Russel Crowe likes to make like Nolan Ryan with hotel telephones.

The quality of Gladiator is not affected by this.

Rumor has it Walt Disney had a problem with Jews. So, are you going to tell your kids 'no' on behalf of all six million Holocaust victims when they pee themselves begging you to take them to High School Musical 3?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

And don't give me all that crap about how celebrities are supposed to be role models. I agree that you should watch what you do and say in public but that really goes for any of us. At the end of the day, what you do on your own time is your business. It isn't against the law to be a heavy drinker, an alien, a bigot or a hot tempered prick.

If we all worried primarily about how we conduct ourselves and left others to do the same the world would be a lot better place. Besides, your parents should be your role models, not some total stranger you saw on television who lives two thousand miles away. And if your parents suck then be your own role model - the dimmest man in America still knows right from wrong. Just because he doesn't have someone around to slap him on the wrist when he fucks up doesn't let him off the hook.

Get over yourselves, people. Your shit stinks too, you bunch of lousy faggots.

Ah, shit. There goes my shot at the White House.